A guy rushes into a bar, orders four expensive 30-year-old single malts and
has the bartender line them up in front of him. Then without pausing, he quickly
downs each one. “Whew,” the bartender remarked, “you seem to be in a hurry.”
“You would be too if you had what I have.”
“What do you have?” the bartender sympathetically asked.
“Fifty cents.”
A man rushed into a bar and ordered a double martini. The man downed it with
one swallow, put a five dollar bill on the bar, and turned and rushed out of the
bar. The bartender picked up the five dollar bill, and folded it carefully and
tucked it in his vest pocket. Just at that moment he looked up at the boss
standing in the doorway staring at him. Doing a bit of fast thinking he said,
“Hi boss, did you see that fellow just now? Came in here, bought a double
martini, gave me a five dollar tip, and rushed out without paying.”
A fellow came into a bar and ordered a martini. Before drinking it, he removed
the olive and carefully put it into a glass jar. Then he ordered another martini
and did the same thing. After an hour, when he was full of martinis and the jar
was full of olives, he staggered out.
“Well,” said a customer, “I never saw anything as peculiar as that!”
“What’s so peculiar about it?” the bartender said. “His wife sent him out for
a jar of olives.”
A guy walked into a bar… OUCH!
A guy walks into a bar with his dog on a leash the barman says, “Geez that’s a
weird dog: he’s stumpy-legged, pink, and doesn’t have a tail, but I bet my
rottweiler would beat the heck out of it.”
50 bucks is laid down. Out in the yard the rottweiler gets mauled to pieces.
Another drinker says his pit bull will win but the bet is 100 bucks.
Another trip to the yard and when it’s all over there are bits of pit-bull
terrier all over the place. The drinker pays up and says, “Say what breed is
that anyway?”
The owner says, “Until I cut his tail off and painted it pink it was the same
breed as every other alligator.”
A guy walks into a bar and asks the bartender if he will give him a free beer
if he shows him something amazing. The bartender agrees, so the guys pulls out a
hamster, who begins dancing and singing “Tuff Enuff” by the Fabulous
Thunderbirds.
“That IS amazing!” says the bartender and gives the guy his free beer.
“If I show you something else amazing, will you give me another beer?” The
bartender agrees, so the guy pulls out a small piano and a hamster and a frog.
Now the hamster plays the piano while the frog dances and sings “You Ain’t Seen
Nothing Yet” by Bachman-Turner Overdrive.
The bartender, completely wowed, gives him another beer. A man in a suit,
who’s been watching the entire time, offers to buy the frog for a princely sum,
which the man agrees to.
“Are you nuts?” asks the bartender. “You could’ve made a fortune off that
frog.”
“Can you keep a secret?” asks the man. “The hamster’s a ventriloquist.”
Q: What do the men in a singles bar have in common?
A: They’re all married.
A poor man and woman sat down in their living room and the man said, ”I’m
going down to the pub for a bit, so put your coat on.”
The woman replied, ”Oh, sweetie, why? Are you taking me with you?”
The man replied, ”No, I’m turning the heat off.”
A lady goes into a bar with her goose. Then the bartender comes up to her and
says, ”Why did you have to bring the pig in with you?”
Then the lady answered, ”Excuse me, I think this is a goose.”
And the bartender says, ”Excuse me, I was talking to the goose.”
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender asks, “Why the long face?”
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