Emailed Jokes - Funny Jokes

“Hey, what’s that?”

“A twelve-inch pianist. Ya see, I found this magic lamp, rubbed it, made a
wish, I got a twelve inch pianist.”

“Can I try?” The man with the piano agrees and a minute later, a million ducks
fill the room.

“Ducks? I didn’t wish for a million ducks, I wished for a million bucks!”

The bartender says, ”Go ahead.”

So the bear eats the lady and asks for a beer. The bartender says, ”Sorry, we
don’t give beer to bears on drugs.”

”What do mean,” says the bear. ”I’m not on drugs.”

”Yes, you are, that was the barbituate.”

The guy looks into his wallet and says, “Give me two more beers.”

So the bartender gives him two more beers. The man went on like this until he
had put down ten beers, and keeps on going in his wallet and asking for two more
beers.

So the bartender asks, “What’s in your wallet that you keep looking at?”

So the man opens his wallet and says, “The more I drink, the prettier my wife
gets.”

So the string goes back to his table. Then he gets an idea. He ties himself in
a loop and messes up the top of his hair. Then he walks back up to the bar and
orders a beer.

The bartender squints at him and says, “Hey, aren’t you a string?”

And the string says, “Nope, I’m a frayed knot.”

The next day, the duck returns and says, “Got any grapes?”

Again, the bartender tells him that, no, the bar does not serve grapes, has
never served grapes, and, furthermore, will never serve grapes. The duck, a
little ruffled, thanks him and leaves.

The next day, the duck returns, but before he can say anything, the bartender
begins to yell: ”Listen, duck! This is a bar! We do not serve grapes! If you
ever ask for grapes again, I will nail your stupid duck beak to the bar!”

The duck is silent for a moment, and then asks, ”Got any nails?”

Confused, the bartender says no.

”Good!” says the duck. ”Got any grapes?”

The bartender serves the drink and says, “That’ll be four dollars.”

The customer pulls out a twenty-dollar bill and hands it to the bartender.

“Sorry, sir,” the bartender says, “but I can’t accept that.”

The man pulls out a ten-dollar bill and the bartender rejects his money again.
“What’s going on here?” the man asks.

The guy says, “You would be drinking fast if you had what I had.”

The bartender says, “What do you have?”

“STOP pal - I don’t allow talk about politics in my bar!” interrupted the
bartender.

A few minutes later the guy tried again, “People say about the
Pope …”
“NO religion talk, either,” the bartender cuts in.

One more try to break the boredom…” I thought the Yankees would…”
“NO sports talk…That’s how fights start in bars!” the barman said.

“Look, how about sex. Can I talk to you about sex?”
“Sure, that we can talk about”, replies the barkeep.

When the bartender returned to him, the man asked how he
had learned to use sign language. The bartender explained
that these were regular customers and had taught him to
speak in sign. The man thought that was great.

A few minutes later the man noticed that the people in the
group were waving their hands around very wildly. The
bartender looked over and signed “Now cut that out! I warned
you!” and threw the group out of the bar.