Traditional Capitalism: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your
herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income.
American Capitalism: You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to
produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when the cow drops dead.
French Capitalism: You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three
cows.
Japanese Capitalism: You have two cows. You redesign them so they are
one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You
then create cow cartoon images called Cowkimon and market them World-Wide.
German Capitalism: You have two cows. You reengineer them so they live for 100
years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.
Italian Capitalism: You have two cows, but you don’t know where they are. You
break for lunch.
British Capitalism: You have two cows. Both are mad.
Russian Capitalism: You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five
cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and
learn you have 12 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.
Arkansas Capitalism: You have two cows. That one on the left is kinda
cute…
Hindu Capitalism: You have two cows. You worship them.
Swiss Capitalism: You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you. You charge
others for storing them.
Canadian Capitalism: You have two cows. Let’s make a hockey team, eh?
Chinese Capitalism: You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them. You
claim full employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman who
reported the numbers.
Irish Capitalism: You have two cows. You feed them potatoes and wonder why
they emigrate.
Israeli Capitalism: So, there are these two Jewish cows, right? They open a
milk factory, an ice cream store, and then sell the movie rights. They send
their calves to Harvard to become doctors. So, who needs people?
Enron Capitalism: You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly
listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the
bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that
you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights
of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island company
secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven
cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company owns eight
cows, with an option on one more. Sell one cow to buy a new president of the
United States, leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the
release. The public buys your bull.
Cuban Capitalism: You have two cows. They try to swim to Florida.
Politically Correct Capitalism: You are associated with (the concept of
“ownership” is a symbol of the phallo centric, war mongering, intolerant past)
two differently - aged (but no less valuable to society) bovines of
non-specified gender.
Disney Capitalism: You have two cows. They dance & sing.
Microsoft Capitalism: You have two cows. You patent them and sue anyone else
who has them.
Hollywood Capitalism: You have two cows. You give them utter implants and also
teach them to bullet-dodge, wall climb and shoot milk out of their utters on
command.
Clinton Capitalism: You have two cows. You deny any knowledge of them.
Bureaucratic Capitalism: You have two cows. They are cared for by ex-chicken
farmers. You have to take care of the chickens the government took from the
chicken farmers. The government gives you as much milk and eggs the regulations
say you should need.
Gore Capitalism: You have two cows. You claim you invented them.
Real-World Capitalism: You have two cows. You share two cows with your
neighbors. You and your neighbors bicker about who has the most “ability” and
who has the most “need”. Meanwhile, no one works, no one gets any milk, and the
cows drop dead of starvation.
Australian Capitalism: You have two cows. You try to wrestle them.
Iraqi Capitalism: You have two cows. They are biochemical weapons.
Perestroika Capitalism: You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but
the government takes all the milk. You steal back as much milk as you can and
sell it on the black market.
Jewish Capitalism: You have two cows. You set them on fire and they burn for 8
days.
Cambodian Capitalism: You have two cows. The government takes both and shoots
you.
Mormon Capitalism: You have two cows. You tell everyone that they should as
well.
Military Capitalism: You have two cows. The government takes both and drafts
you.
Texan Capitalism: You have two cows. You teach them to fire guns.
Totalitarian Capitalism: You have two cows. The government takes them and
denies they ever existed. Milk is banned.
Nevadan Capitalism: You have two cows. You charge lonely men from Arkansas to
spend the night with them.
Jehovah’s Witness Capitalism: You have two cows. You go door to door telling
people that you do.
Bureaucrat Capitalism: You have two cows. At first the government regulates
what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk
them. Then it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down
the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing
cows.
Real Capitalism: You don’t have any cows.
The bank will not lend you money to buy cows, because you don’t have any cows
to put up as collateral.
Environmental Capitalism: You have two cows. The government bans you from
milking them.
Surreal Capitalism: You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take
harmonica lessons.
Californian Capitalism: You have two cows. They are happy.
Bush Capitalism: You have two cows. You think that cows and humans can coexist
peacefully. You give all of the milk to the upper class when they have cows of
their own, and the lower class needs milk.
Martha Stewart Capitalism: You have two cows. After decorating them, you sell
them because a farmer told you the price of milk might go down.
Ayn Rand Capitalism: You have two cows. You sell both so that you can invest
in a new dairy company. After it does well, you sell you stock and buy a cow
farm.
After that does well, you take out a loan using cows as capitol and build a
milk manufacturing factory. After making your milk the most sold, you sell the
company and retire to Hawaii with your millions of dollars.
Fool me once, shame on you… fool me twice, shame on me.