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Archive for May, 2008
Friday, May 16th, 2008
A farmer just got married and was going home on his wagon
pulled by a team of horses. When one of the hoses stumbled,
he said, “That’s once.”
Then it stumbled again. He said, “That’s twice.”
Then later it stumbled a third time. This time, he didn’t
say anything, just pulled out a shotgun and shot the horses
dead.
His wife cried out and started to yell at him. The farmer
turned to her and said, “That’s once.”
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Friday, May 16th, 2008
Dear Tech Support:
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and
noticed a slow down in the overall performance,
particularly in the flower and jewellery applications that
had operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. In addition,
Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such
as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, but installed
undesirable programs such as NFL 5.0 and NBA 3.0. and now
Conversation 8.0 no longer runs and Housecleaning 2.6
simply crashes the system. I’ve tried running Nagging 5.3
to fix these problems, but to no avail. What can I do?
Desperate
********************************************
Dear Desperate:
First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an entertainment
package,while Husband 1.0 is an operating system. Try to
enter the command: C:/I THOUGH! T YOU LOVED ME and download
Tears 6.2 to install Guilt 3.0.If all works as designed,
Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications
Jewellery 2.0 and Flowers 3.5. But remember, overuse can
cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy
Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1. Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that
will create Snoring Loudly. WAV files. Whatever you do, DO
NOT install Mother-in-law 1.0 or reinstall another
Boyfriend program.
These are not supported applications and will crash Husband
1.0.
In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have a limited
memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying
additional software to improve memory and performance. I personally recommend
Hot Food 3.0 and Lingerie 7.7.
Good Luck,
Tech! Support
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Friday, May 16th, 2008
What do you call a man without a brain?
Single or Widowed!!
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Friday, May 16th, 2008
God: Men, what car you get in Heaven will depend on how
faithful you were to your wives on Earth.
Man 1: Please God, I can’t count how many times I cheated
on my wife. There were just too many beautiful women on
Earth, and I had to have them all.
God: I am ashamed of you, my man, For that, I give you a
run-down truck that barely moves.
Man 2: Dear God, please forgive me! I cheated on my wife
once, just once! We were going through problems and I took
the wrong turn. Please forgive me!
God: My man, I am ashmed of you too. But I will be kinder
to you. For that, I give you a convertible BMW.
Man 3: Dear God, you will be so proud of me. I loved and
worshipped my wife. I brought her roses everyday after
work, I brought her gifts every aniversary, and we went
travelling, and had dinner out 3 times a week, and…
God: Okay, my man, enough! I get the point. I am very proud
of you! For that, I give you any car you desire!
Two weeks later Man 1 and 2 are driving on the freeway when
they see Man 3 ahead of them, stopped in the middle of the
road in his Black Jaguar.
Man 1 and 2: Hey Man! Why are you sitting in your car and
crying your eyes out? You’re acting like some ungrateful
bugger! Look at your car, man! What is your problem?!
Man 3: “I just saw my wife on rollerskates!”
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Friday, May 16th, 2008
The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the
background checks, interviews, and testing were done there
were three finalists — two men and one woman. For the final
test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal
door and handed him a gun. “We must know that you will follow your
instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room you will find
your wife sitting in a chair. You have to kill her.”
The first man said.“You can’t be serious. I could never
shoot my wife,”. The agent replies, “Then you’re not the right man for this
job.”
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the
gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five
minutes. Then the agent came out with tears in his eyes. “I
tried, but I can’t kill my wife.” The agent replies, “You
don’t have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.”
Finally, it was the woman’s turn. Only she was told to kill
her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots
were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming,
crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all
was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the
woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, “You
guys didn’t tell me the gun was loaded with blanks. So I
had to beat him to death with the chair.”
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Friday, May 16th, 2008
A man and a woman are driving down the same road at the
same time. As they pass each other the woman leans out the window, points and
yells, “PIG! ”.
The man immediately leans out his window, shakes his fist and shouts back,
“WITCH!”.They each continue on their way, and as the man rounds the next corner,
he slams into a pig that had wandered into the middle of the road.
If only men would listen.
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Friday, May 16th, 2008
Yo mama’s so dumb, her favorite color is clear!
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Friday, May 16th, 2008
Dear Mr. Blix,
Welcome to Iraq! It is so good of you and your Weapons Inspectors to visit my
humble nation once again. My people are overjoyed to assist the totally neutral
and gloriously impotent UN in serving their American Masters. I realize that
many of you would much rather be touring the Third World for some magnificently
ineffective do-nothing NGO, but alas you are here compromising your values on
behalf of Western oil companies.
Before you wipe the blood from your hands and get down to the business of
concocting reasons for the US to bomb us back to the stone ages of 1991, I
thought I’d help reorient you to the ways of magical Baghdad with a few “Dos”
and “Don’ts”.
DO:
Slavishly patronize Baghdad locals with chocolate bars and worthless Western
baubles. Nothing ingratiates us more to intrusive throngs of chubby, sweaty,
lobster-red warmongers then when they pass out meaningless tchotkes to us Third
World “savages”. We will remember these tokens as we dance on your bleached
bones. I joke!
DO:
Ignore my playful peoples penchant for recreational HAZMAT suit use. Moreover,
ignore the glowing, three-tailed rats that are indigenous to Baghdad. While
you’re at it, ignore the totally desolate warehouse full of rotting canisters at
the corner of Saddam Is Great Avenue and Drown In Blood Yankee Dogs Boulevard.
DO:
Feel free to enter any building, factory, or hospital you desire. And while
you’re busy violating my paranoid and fragile egos sovereignty, feel free to
double-check the bedpans of the dying, gut the teddy bears of orphans, and pour
into the dirt any and all bottles of weapons grade baby formula you might
uncover.
DON’T:
Forget your high-tech Weapons of Mass Destruction Poking Sticks or Nintendo
Gameboys at the hotel. We know that without these useless, aesthetic “tools” you
cannot unearth the make-believe stores of plutonium I don’t have hidden
underneath my opulent Presidential Palaces that my people willed me to build for
my own noble pleasures.
DON’T:
Ignore the cultural relativism we know you studied in your Liberal Arts
Colleges. We humble Iraqis have a far different culture than the advanced West.
Whereas you respect the differences between languages, cultures and value
systems, I want to kill. Kill you, your family, friends, grammar school
teachers, the Israelis, whole bunches of Saudis and just for good measure, my
new yet treacherous-looking barber Adnan.
DON’T:
Mock our cherished Iraqi way of life. While you might think it barbaric and
backward, our seemingly brutal governmental system is based on sound fascistic
principles that have helped keep the majority of Arabs in splendid desolate
squalor for decades.
I truly hope your stay here is a positive experience. I pray that those of you
I do not like do not accidentally get caught in the crossfire of the invasion
you are busy inventing!
In Me I Trust,
Saddam
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Friday, May 16th, 2008
We have come to learn that bombing really works. We’ve flown over 2,800
sorties, dropped 15 tons in warheads, and done extremely costly damage. But
we’re a compassionate nation, and when this is all over, we’re going to put the
rocks and dirt back.
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Friday, May 16th, 2008
The Los Angeles Police Department (LAPD), The FBI, and the CIA are all trying
to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides
to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to
catch it.
The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They
question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive
investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.
The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing
everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit
had it coming.
The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The
bear is yelling: “Okay! Okay! I’m a rabbit! I’m a rabbit!”
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