Emailed Jokes - Funny Jokes

This leaves 19 million to do the work. Four million are in the Armed Forces,
which leaves 15 million to do the work.

Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for State and City
Government and that leaves 200,000 to do the work.

There are 188,000 in hospitals, so that leaves 12,000 to do the work. Now,
there are 11,998 people in Prisons. That leaves just two people to do the work.
You and me.

“I can fix that with some Aspirin. Just take some and I’ll be better in a
second”

So, he reaches into his pocket and pulls condom after condom out
until he finds the Aspirin. He takes it and his blinking goes away.

The CEO says “We don’t approve of womanizing!”

1. Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 5:00 and then bring it
to me. The challenge of a deadline is always refreshing.

2. If it’s really a “rush job,” run in and interrupt me every 10 minutes to
inquire how it’s going. That greatly aids my efficiency.

3. Always leave without telling anyone where you’re going. It gives me a
chance to be creative when someone asks where you are.

4. If my arms are full of papers, boxes, books or supplies, don’t open the
door for me. I might need to learn how to function as a paraplegic in future and
opening doors is good training.

5. If you give me more than one job to do, don’t tell me which is the
priority. Let me guess.

6. Do your best to keep me late. I like the office and really have nowhere to
go or anything to do.

7. If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret. Leaks like that could get me a
promotion.

8. If you don’t like my work, tell everyone. I like my name to be popular in
conversations.

9. If you have special instructions for a job, don’t write them down. If fact,
save them until the job is almost done.

10. Never introduce me to the people you’re with. When you refer to them
later, my shrewd deductions will identify them.

11. Be nice to me only when the job I’m doing for you could really change your
life.

12. Tell me all your little problems. No one else has any and it’s nice to
know someone is less fortunate.

After several weeks, the company writes back explaining that under the present
law they are unable to supply the materials and do not wish to be prosecuted. So
they return their customers’ money in the form of a company check. However, due
to the name of the company, few people will present these checks to their banks.
The name of the company: “The Anal Sex and Fetish Perversion Company.”

Week 1 - Memo No. 1

Effective this week, the company is adopting Fridays as Casual Day. Employees
are free to dress in the casual attire of their choice.

Week 3 - Memo No. 2

Spandex and leather micro-miniskirts are not appropriate attire for Casual
Day. Neither are string ties, rodeo belt buckles or moccasins.

Week 6 - Memo No. 3

Casual Day refers to dress only, not attitude. When planning Friday’s
wardrobe, remember image is a key to our success.

Week 8 - Memo No. 4

A seminar on how to dress for Casual Day will be held at 4 p.m. Friday in the
cafeteria. A fashion show will follow. Attendance is mandatory.

Week 9 - Memo No. 5

As an outgrowth of Friday’s seminar, a 14-member Casual Day Task Force has
been appointed to prepare guidelines for proper casual-day dress.

Week 14 - Memo No. 6

The Casual Day Task Force has now completed a 30-page manual entitled
“Relaxing Dress Without Relaxing Company Standards.” A copy has been distributed
to every employee. Please review the chapter “You Are What You Wear” and consult
the “home casual” versus “business casual” checklist before leaving for work
each Friday. If you have doubts about the appropriateness of an item of
clothing, contact your CDTF representative before 7 a.m. on Friday.

Week 18 - Memo No. 7

Our Employee Assistant Plan (EAP) has now been expanded to provide support for
psychological counseling for employees who may be having difficulty adjusting to
Casual Day.

Week 20 - Memo No. 8

“HELP WANTED. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and
must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer.”

A short time afterwards, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went
inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to
the sign, looked at it and whined.

Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office
manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least. However, the
dog looked determined, so he led him into the office. Inside, the dog jumped up
on the chair and stared at the manager.

The manager said, “I can’t hire you. The sign says you have to be able to
type.”

The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type out
a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and gave
it to him, then jumped back on the chair.

The manager was stunned, but then told the dog, “The sign says you have to be
good with a computer.”

The dog jumped down again and went to the computer. The dog proceeded to
demonstrate his expertise with various programs and produced a sample
spreadsheet and database and presented them to the manager.

By this time the manager was totally dumbfounded! He looked at the dog and
said, “I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting
abilities. However, I still can’t give you the job.”

The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the part
about being an Equal Opportunity Employer.

The manager said, “Yes, but the sign also says that you have to be
bilingual.”

Finally, before the whole orchestra, he said, “When a musician just can’t
handle his instrument and doesn’t improve when given help, they take away the
instrument, and give him two sticks, and make him a drummer.”

The toilet is blocked and we cannot bathe the children until it is cleared.

I want some repairs done to my stove as it has backfires and burnt my knob
off.

This is to let you know that there is a smell coming from the man next door.

The toilet seat is cracked: where do I stand?

I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is running away from the wall.

I request your permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.

Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.

The person next door has a large erection in his back garden, which is
unsightly and dangerous.

Will you please send someone to mend our cracked sidewalk? Yesterday my wife
tripped on it and is now pregnant.

Our kitchen floor is very damp, we have two children and would like a third,
so will you please send someone to do something about it.

Will you please send a man to look at my water? It is a funny color and not
fit to drink.

Would you please send a man to repair my downspout? I am an old-age pensioner
and need it straight away.

Could you please send someone to fix our bath tap? My wife got her toe stuck
in it and it is very uncomfortable for us.

I want to complain about the farmer across the road. Every morning at 5:30 his
cock wakes me up, and it is getting too much.