Emailed Jokes - Funny Jokes

Reading his mom’s thoughts, John volunteered, “I know what you must be
thinking, but I assure you, Julie and I are just roommates.”

About a week later, Julie came to John and said, “Ever since your mother came
to dinner, I’ve been unable to find the beautiful gravy ladle. You don’t suppose
she took it, do you?”

John said, “Well, I doubt it, but I’ll write her a letter just to be sure”.

So, he sat down and wrote, “Dear Mother, I’m not saying you ‘did’ take a gravy
ladle from my house, and I’m not saying you ‘did not’ take a gravy ladle. But,
the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for
dinner.”

Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which
read: “Dear Son, I’m not saying that you ‘do’ sleep with Julie, and I’m not
saying that you ‘do not’ sleep with Julie. But, the fact remains that if she was
sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now.

Love, Mom.

Carrie’s father asks Bobby what they’re planning to do. Bobby replies politely
that they will probably just go to the soda shop or a movie.

“ Why don’t you two go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it!”
Naturally, this comes as a quite a surprise to Bobby — so he asks Carrie’s dad
to repeat himself.

“ Yeah,” says Carrie’s father”,Carrie really likes to screw; she’ll screw all
night if we let her!”

A few minutes later, Carrie comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt and
announces that she’s ready to go. Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby
escorts his date out the front door.

The young man replies, “A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a
million dollars!”

“That’s a lot of money,” says the old man. “Why does it
cost so much?”

“Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!” states
the young dude proudly.

The Moped driver asks, “Mind if I take a look inside?”

“No problem,” replies the owner. So the old man pokes his
head in the window and looks around.

Then, sitting back on his Moped, the old man says, “That’s
a pretty nice car, all right…but I’ll stick with my
Moped!”

Just then the light changes, so the guy decides to show the
old man just what his car can do. He floors it, and within
30 seconds, the speedometer reads 160 mph. Suddenly, he
notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be
getting closer! He slows down to see what it could be and
suddenly WHHHOOOOOOSSSSSHHH! Something whips by him going
much faster!

“What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?” the
young man asks himself. He floors the accelerator and takes
the Ferrari up to 250 mph. Then, up ahead of him, he sees
that it’s the old man on the Moped! Amazed that the Moped
could pass his Ferrari, he gives it more gas and passes the
moped at 275 mph. WHOOOOOOOSHHHHH! He’s feeling pretty good
until he looks in his mirror and sees the old man gaining
on him AGAIN!

Astounded by the speed of this old guy, he floors the gas
pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way up to 320 mph. Not
ten seconds later, he sees the Moped bearing down on him
again! The Ferrari is flat out, and there’s nothing he can
do!

Suddenly, the Moped plows into the back of his Ferrari,
demolishing the rear end. The young man stops and jumps out
and unbelievably the old man is still alive. He runs up to
the mangled old man and says, “Oh My God! Is there anything
I can do for you?”

The old man
whispers…”Unhook…my…suspenders…from…your…side-
view……mirror”.

Here is a guide to the point system.

Simple Duties:

You make the bed. +1
you make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pllows.0
you throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets. -1
you leave the toilet seat up. -5
you leave the toilet lid down. -10 after the lights is out. -30
You replace the toilet-paper roll when it’s empty.0
when the toilet-paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex. -1
When the Kleenex runs out you shuffle slowly to the next bathroom.. -2
you go out to buy her spring-fresh extra-light panty liners with wings.. +5
But return with beer .. -5
you check out a suspicious noise at night …0
you check out a suspicious noise and it’s nothing.. 0
You check out a suspicious noise and it’s something.. +5
you pummel it with a six iron.. +10
it’s her father.. -10

Social Engagements:

You stay by her side the entire party.. 0
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college drinking
buddy.. -2
Named Tiffany.. -4
Tiffany is a dancer.. -6
Tiffany has implants.. -8

Her Birthday:

You take her out to dinner.. 0
You take her out to dinner and it’s not a sports bar ……+1
Okay, it is a sports bar.. -2
and its all-you-can-eat night.. -3
it’s a sports bar, it’s all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the
colors of your favorite team.. -10

A Night Out With The Boys:

Go out with a pal .. -5
and the pal are happily married .. -4
or frighteningly single .. -7
and he drives a Mustang.. -10
With a personalized license plate (GR8 N BED) .. -15

A Night Out:

You take her to a movie.. +2
you take her to a movie she likes.. +4
you take her to a movie you hate.. +6
you take her to a movie you like.. -2
it’s called Death Cop 3.. -3
, which features cyber-having sex.. -9
you lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans ………-15

you’re Physique:

You develop a noticeable potbelly.. -15
You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it….+10
you develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to loose jeans and baggy Hawaiian
shirts .. -30
You say “I don’t give a damn because you have one too”…-800

The Big Question:

She asks, “Do I look fat?” .. -5
you hesitate in responding.. -10
You reply, “Where?”.. -35

Communication:

Physical properties: Generally round in form. Boils at nothing and may freeze
any time. Melts whenever treated properly. Very bitter if not used well.

Chemical properties: Very active. Highly unstable. Possesses strong affinity
to gold, silver, platinum, and precious stones. Violent when left alone. Able to
absorb great amounts of exotic food. Turns slightly green when placed next to a
better specimen.

Usage: Highly ornamental. An extremely good catalyst for dispersion of wealth.
Probably the most powerful income reducing agent known.

Caution: Highly explosive in inexperienced hands.

———————————————————————-

Element Name: MAN
Symbol: BY
Atomic Weight: (180 +/- 50)

Physical properties: Solid at room temperature, but gets bent out of shape
easily. Fairly dense and sometimes flaky. Difficult to find a pure sample. Due
to rust, aging samples are unable to conduct electricity as easily as young
samples.

Chemical properties: Attempts to bond with WO any chance it can get.
Also tends to form strong bonds with it. Becomes explosive when mixed with Kid
(Element: Child) for prolonged period of time. Neutralize by saturating with
alcohol.

Usage: None known. Possibly good methane source. Good samples are
able to produce large quantities on command.

“ Calm down, honey”, the man replied. “Remember last week when I was at the
dog track? That was the name of the dog I bet on.”

The next morning, his wife snuck up on him and smacked him again.

“ What was that for?” he complained.