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Archive for February, 2008
Saturday, February 16th, 2008
There was this lawyer who drove his shiny new Lexus to work one day. He parked
it right down in front of the firm where he worked to show it off to all his
lawyer buddies. As he got out, this truck side-swiped the door and ripped it
right off.The driver stopped and ran to the lawyer saying “Are you alright, are
you alright?”
The lawyer, now furious, started to scream and berate the driver. “What the
hell do you think you are doing? This is my brand new Lexus…Ya know I am a
lawyer and I am going to sue you for all you are worth!”
Then a policeman ran up to the scene and said to the lawyer, “Calm down! You
lawyers are so materialistic it’s disgusting! Don’t you know, when that truck
ripped your door off, it took your arm with it?”
The lawyer looked down and saw his left arm missing and said “Oh, God, . . .
my ROLEX!”
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Saturday, February 16th, 2008
What Did A Lawyer Name His Daughter?
Sue!!
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Saturday, February 16th, 2008
How many lawyers does it take to change a lightbulb?
“Such number as may be deemed necessary to perform the stated task in a timely
and efficient manner within the strictures of the following agreement: Whereas
the party of the first part, also known as “The Lawyer,” and the party of the
second part, also known as “The Light Bulb,” do hereby and forthwith agree to a
transaction wherein the party of the second part (Light Bulb) shall be removed
from the current position as a result of failure to perform previously agreed
upon duties, i.e., the lighting, elucidation, and otherwise illumination of the
area ranging from the front (north) door, through the entry way, terminating at
an area just inside the primary living area, demarcated by the beginning of the
carpet, any spill-over illumination being at the option of the party of the
second part (Light Bulb) and not required by the aforementioned agreement
between the parties. The aforementioned removal transaction shall include, but
not be limited to, the following steps:
The party of the first part (Lawyer) shall, with or without elevation at his
option, by means of a chair, step stool, ladder or any other means of elevation,
grasp the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and rotate the party of the
second part (Light Bulb) in a counter-clockwise direction, said direction being
non-negotiable. Said grasping and rotation of the party of the second part
(Light Bulb) shall be undertaken by the party of the first part (Lawyer) with
every possible caution by the party of the first part (Lawyer) to maintain the
structural integrity of the party of the second part (Light Bulb),
notwithstanding the aforementioned failure of the party of the second part
(Light Bulb) to perform the aforementioned customary and agreed upon duties. The
foregoing notwithstanding, however, both parties stipulate that structural
failure of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) may be incidental to the
aforementioned failure to perform and in such case the party of the first part
(Lawyer) shall be held blameless for such structural failure insofar as this
agreement is concerned so long as the non-negotiable directional codicil
(counter-clockwise) is observed by the party of the first part (Lawyer)
throughout.
Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part (Light Bulb) becomes
separated from the party of the third part (”Receptacle”), the party of the
first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of disposing of the party of the
second part (Light Bulb) in a manner consistent with all applicable state, local
and federal statutes.
Once separation and disposal have been achieved, the party of the first part
(Lawyer) shall have the option of beginning installation of the party of the
fourth part (”New Light Bulb”). This installation shall occur in a manner
consistent with the reverse of the procedures described in step one of this
self-same document, being careful to note that the rotation should occur in a
clockwise direction, said direction also being non-negotiable.
NOTE: The above described steps may be performed, at the option of the party
of the first part (Lawyer), by said party of the first part (Lawyer), by his
heirs and assigns, or by any and all persons authorized by him to do so, the
objective being to produce a level of illumination in the immediate vicinity of
the aforementioned front (north) door consistent with maximization of ingress
and revenue for the party of the fifth part.”
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Saturday, February 16th, 2008
A junior partner in a law firm was sent to a far away country to represent a
long-term client accused of robbery. After days of trial, the case was won, the
client acquitted and released.
Excited about his success, the attorney e-mailed the firm: “Justice
prevailed.”
The senior partner replied in haste, “Appeal immediately.”
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Saturday, February 16th, 2008
At the rate law schools are turning them out, by 2050 there will be more
lawyers than humans.
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Saturday, February 16th, 2008
An engineer died and ended up in Hell. He was not pleased with the level of
comfort in Hell, and began to redesign and build improvements. After a while,
they had toilets that flush, air conditioning, and escalators. Everyone grew
very fond of him.
One day God called to Satan to mock him, “So, how’s it going down there in
Hell?”
Satan replied, “Hey, things are great. We’ve got air conditioning and flush
toilets and escalators, and there’s no telling what this engineer is going to
come up with next.”
God was surprised, “What? You’ve got an engineer? That’s a mistake. He should
never have gotten down there in the first place. Send him back up here.”
“No way,” replied Satan. “I like having an engineer, and I’m keeping him.”
God threatened, “Send him back up here now or I’ll sue!”
Satan laughed and answered, “Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get
a lawyer?”
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Saturday, February 16th, 2008
One day a lawyer was riding in his limosine when he saw a guy eating grass He
told the driver to stop. He got out and asked him, “Why are you eating grass”.
The man replied, “I’m so poor, I can’t afford a thing to eat.”
So the layer said, “Poor guy, come back to my house.”
The guys then said, “But I have a wife and three kids.” The layers told him to
bring them along.
When they were all in the car, the poor man said, “Thanks for taking us back
to your house, it is so kind of you.”
The layer said, “You’re going to love it there, the grass is a foot tall.”
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Saturday, February 16th, 2008
What do you call 500 lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
A good start.
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Saturday, February 16th, 2008
What is a criminal lawyer?
Redundant.
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Saturday, February 16th, 2008
An attorney passed on and found himself in Heaven. Not at all happy with
his accommodations, he complained to St. Peter, who told him that his only
recourse was to appeal his assignment. The attorney immediately advised St.
Peter that he intended to appeal. The attorney was immediately informed that it
would be at least three years before his appeal could be heard. The attorney
protested that a three-year wait was unconscionable. However, his words fell on
deaf ears. The lawyer was then approached by Satan, who told him that he would
be able to arrange his appeal to be heard in just a few days, but only if the
attorney stipulated to change the venue to Hell. When the attorney inquired as
to why appeals could be heard so much faster in Hell, Satan gleefully exclaimed,
“Who do you think has all of the judges!”
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